My life changed.....

when i stopped giving fucks about other people and what they think. lol.
i used to waste my time stalking and checking out what's new on other people's lives on instagram, facebook, etc. but omg, my life totally changed when i stopped doing that.

i used to post picture of everything that I do on instagram and like check every 5 minutes if my followers are liking it. blah blah blah like, what the fuck niksi? why do that? i used to really care if im getting so much likes and all but i just realized that, that was so shallow of me. diba?

right now, what matters to me is getting my life back on track (which im more than halfway na, i think).
stop partying [x]
not be an alcoholic [x]
no more chain smoking [x]
exercise daily (one day/week rest) [x]
stop caring about what others think [x]
get license[  ]---soon, wait for it :)
be a better daughter [  ] --only when i get my license will i become a better child lol


and the list goesssss oooon.
i basically just want to rant eh. sooo sorry. :D

I FOUND MYSELF?

I went on a vacation at my mom's hometown.

it was kind of an "escape from reality". like there's no internet, no cellphone signal, no malls, no nothing.

its just me and my creative mind that's working so since my smart phone there was kind of, of no use, i just like made a journal or wrote a journal daily on my "notes" app.

so here. enjoy. 

ps, its not entirely in english language, so sorry.  and I do not have time to edit it for typographical and grammatical errors, so, sorry again. ive been really busy ever since i came back sooo yeah, whatever/ read it, make fun of it i dont really care hehe 

Day 1

I was effin tired of my travel. Dude that was 24hrs of traveling, i have never travelled that long in my entire life.

Haha.

Soooo yeah, Life here isnt so bad. Its just that, im staying in a remote area, no cell signal, no wifi, no nothing. Its also hard to get water we have to make igib pa. Pero okay lang,and bawal maarte dito.

Anyways, my mom's house is small. The lot is like so big as in enormous big hahaha but the place is not small naman pero sakto lang. Its almost as big as my room? Parang malaki lang ng onti.

Life here is very simple which is what i was looking for. Sobrang intoxicated na ko sa urban life. As in, na stress na ako sa lahat.

Im not loving it here but its fine, mas malungkot buhay ko sa manila tbh.

Dito, the whole barrio treats me like im some kind of royalty or whatever. Swear buhay prinsesa (i dnt understand how they speak tho. Mejo kumo-context clues lang ako. Haha) Just because majority of this barrio belongs to my mom's family. Like almost everyone is renting from them,kaya yun.

Day 3

Umatake na pagkabrat ko. Sobrang badtrip ko ayoko muna magkwento bukas na.

Hi, im hannah and i played volleyball,patintero, ice ice water and monkey in the middle with the clingy kids today.

Had a fight with mom that's why not in the mood knina.

Day 4

Super duper bored. And sad? I am missing someone and i dont even know why. Of all the people, why him? 😪

Day 5

Hehe. I was just kidding. I dont miss him. I miss my life in manila. I miss clubbing, i miss hanging out on my own, i miss being alone. I miss a lot of my usual routine in manila. I know that im not yet ready to go back tho. If I go back immediately i know that i would also go back to my usual habits,im ready to study again for boards but not in manila, not yet.

Day 6

Thoughts

*im like mama, is there aswang here?

*hindi naman ako maganda, pero madami na din pala akong nasaktan. Karma ba to?

*sigh*

Day 7

Someone threw a stone at the window last night. Scared as fuck thought that person would attack us

Anyway, ugh. Fam drama. My auntie is still mad at me for what i did  5 years ago? My God. I mean like after all that we did for her and her daughter. Grabe ah, and besides I got mad at my mom not at my cousin tsaka duuuh kung kami ngang magkakapatid kahit simpleng bagay nagpapaalam kami pag gagamitin namin eh pano pa if someone else would use our stuff diba. Ugghhsssh bullshit. Grabe issue til now. Kaloka. Anyway have to go back to studying. Im studying na. Eh 👍👍👍👊

7/21 no yosi, kaya ko pa kaya?:s

I miss e.h. But not really, ive never seen "us" together. Landian lang. Lol. Basag lang talaga ego ko. Pakshet. Or i did break his ego as well? Idk and idc na siguro.

Day  9

Fam friend son's bday.

Ive gained weight.

I have to lose weight before going back to manila.

Anywaaaaay, had a fight with mom

 she told me im so fat na. Eh she's making me eat so much. Sira ba sya?  kakairita sabi ko uwi na ako para no one has to tell me when to eat. Kakain lang ako pag gusto ko leche. Kaasar ah. Sanay na ko wala kumokontrol sakin na gagawin ko lang whatever i want tapos dito kelangan ko sumunod sa lahat. Wala ako freedom dito, wala akong magawa. Leche gusto ko na umuwi, di dahil walang signal and internet and all. Gusto ko na bumalik sa regular life ko. Ayoko na.

Random thoughts

*theres a "winsboro" yosi brand here. San ka pa, winston na, marlboro pa haha

Day 10

Just finished light studying.

Do i miss clubbing?

Do i miss my friends?

Do i miss my old life?

Or i just miss my room and the city.

This is torture, why am i torturing myself. This is exagg na. Injustice? Haha. Im giving myself so much space that i have so much time to think about things, buti kung good stuff all the time, eh, mostly negative.. I should change my attitude towards life.

But this place is depressing. I need to leave soon. Im ready. Im ready to fix my life in manila. I mean, I have already started here and I cant wait to continue what ive started in manila. I miss my family. Im with my mom tho. Anyways, perf time to study at home since everyone will be out most of the time. Sobrang hindi coherent talaga ako magblog haha.

*random thoughts*

When i say regular life ko(frm yesterday's entry), i meant, locking myself up in my room all day. Doing everything and anything i want to. Dude dito para ako BABY!!! binebaby ako, eh im 24, nakapunta nga ako magisa dito tas im not allowed to wander around. Takot din naman ako tho, i get weird looks from everyone. Ang scary nila tumingin lahat like susundan ka ng tingin. And hindi ko sila kilala kahit na mom knows everyone frm this town, better safe than sorry na lang.

Dear Lord, gusto ko na magyosi. I bet id smoke again whenevet i feel like pag balik ng manila.

Day 11

What the fuck is dear lord gsto ko na magyosi???:)) wtf??? Gusto ko itry ung winsboro, dude wala nun sa manila. Hassle. Di ako makabili dito everybody knows im a "zurbito" damn. San kaya ako makakabili sana sa masbate city gusto ko i try at uwian friends ko in manila because its so funnehhhh :))

Anyway, i had this weird dream. My room was transformed into a theater stage or something. May play and it was about a ust archi student who was kidnapped and returned to mom during a protest with a bleeding neck. Apparently she was still alive, in my dream. Any, i was really scared when i woke up.hahaha.

I dont like bad dreams, who does? Its sunday, july 5th and im still drinnking my morning coffee. I jwu.

I will study again after finishing my morningw routine here.

Ps, there is a storm here. I miss my room.

I just want my normal life back.

I back read my first entry. Saya ko pa nung first day eh hahaha tapos day 4 or 3 pa lang suko na hahaha. Eh day 11 na. The fuck!:)))

Hope my mom's farmer finish na sa copra so that we could go home na. Baaam!!

 I fcking want to poop but igib people are here so pigiiiiil. Urrrghhh hmmm hahahahhahaa

Cant take a bath cuz mom went somewhere eh she's cooking something di ko naman alam kung ano un so di ko mapabayaan

•note to self: wag na lang magsalita kung wala namang matinong sasabihin.

Mama: anong lotion to yung bago?

Me: opo

Mama: anong lasa?

Me: tikman mo

Mama: hahahaha umuwi ka na nga baka lalo ka mabaliw dito 😂😂😂

Day 12

Dream diary 2

Its a series of weird dreamsss last night paputol putol eh.

•i was with caryl buying something in 7/11 but then she left

Cashier: *saw my purse* why north cal?

Me: uhm uhhh kakalipat ko lang dito (im in so cal? Whuttt?)

Cashier: wow! Mabuhay ang mga pilipino! *slang accent*

Me: haha. (pano ako napuntang south californiaaaa??)

Cashier: kanino ka nagsestay?

Me: relatives, sige, thank you!

*i was with a kid na im baby sitting pero didnt see the kid's face.

12/21 no yosi. Imagine kinaya ko lol. This is the longest this year!!

I have just finished eating lunch then i suddenly remembered the first time i got drunk (note to self: never ever get involved with guys whose names start with letter E, youll get hurt HAHAHA, You always do)

Fyi, i only got drunk 5 times in my 24 years of existence haha. Btw, I started drinking at 17.

Almost 7 yrs ago...

It was my first swimming trip with my college friends, its just in a village clubhouse in fairview. Were not even allowed to bring alcoholic drinks inside HAHAHA stubborn kids lol. Anyway, it was because of a heartache, i think that was the first time i got really hurt. Like really hurt.

I had a fling thing with one of my friends pero obviously we werent just friends we tried to conceal the feelings we had for each other pero bumigay ako, eh he isnt ready yet kasi he just broke up with his first serious gf. Anyway, basta yon, na-hurt ako sobra kaya yoooon. Note to self again: never ever drink bec of a heartbreak. Lets name him Nel.

[edit: speaking of heartaches and heart breaks, im currently studying the cardiovascular system, goddammit ang hirap ever 😂😂😂 here we go again..]

2nd time i got drunk was 2013, tagal no? 5 years after the first time. I have learned the art of not getting drunk kasi, even if i go out and drink a lot with friends/pandaraya. Joke! I just know when to stop.

So anyway, guess who got me drunk the second time? Nel. #pagmayalakmaybalak

Im already in my second rel. After our "thing" stopped, tapos may ganito pa ding sceneeee??? Lol Siguro we never had a proper closure kaya parang may feelings pa din kahit wala? Or perv lang talaga sya? Idk.

It was in his room we used to call it "the *** **ve" sooo yeah, naglandian kami that night (fyi, i wasin a rel. That time na malabo na, perfect time to take advantage no?) (((when i said naglandian, we made out. We were both drunk, well im drunk as fck I wasnt able to go with them nga when they ate out eh, i was just asleep, idk about nel, if he's drunk as fck as well. Hmmm)))

But in the end i chose my boyfriend that time. Mas okay na yung safe. LOL 😂

The third time i got drunk was at my ex's friend's place withmy ex and his friends.

I'm afraid the 4th and 5th time, i was with the same people and at the same Club 😂😂😂

Fourth.

Club's christmas party (our fave club)

There's so much free drink that i got drunk.

There's this Chinese guy who danced with me the whole night until we left. Extreme grinding yon hahahaha. But were good friends now.

Lets just name him phillip.

Fifth.

Same club, same friends but different partner!!!! ---omg this guy is bestfriends with Phillip pa, hahaha. Let us name him Russel

Ive been flirting with this guy ever since my friend Christine's bday bash at this Elite Club down south.

(i wouldnt go into details with Russel, he'll have his own entry here named after him Haha)

Basta yon, Russel got me drunk like before i left the club, i had to go to the restroom every 5 mins because i had to vomit. Lol. But i got home safe and sound.

And that night involved a lot of making-out in front of russel's friends.

--- sobrang wala akong magawa no, i have managed to write about my drunk chronicles even if im reviewing. Haha.

07.07.15

Its almost time to go home yay!:))

Im so excited to go hoooome and buy study stuff. I will just ask mom to buy stuff for me hehehe.

Ps, medj mga weekend pa siguro ako makakauwi ganun hehe.

I miss my extra long hair that has the ability to hide my fats:( feeling model pa ang peg. Lol

Day 14

Reminder: im tall here, in manila, my height is average lang.

Day 15

Im not the perfect little goody-goody kind of girl that my mom thinks I am. I USED to be that kind of kid tho. But i became a wild child. Haha.

Now, Medyo boring kind of person na naman. Not really boring. I just realized that I have more important things to accomplish in this lifetime. I have priorities and responsibilities. And I dont want my definition of fun to be just partying and getting drunk. I want my kind of fun to be loving my profession, succeeding in the field ive chosen and travelling and i mean A LOT OF TRAVELLING. Love? Lets just say its not YET in my top-priority-list. 😉

*****

I will never forget my convo with my ortho when i was just 18 y/o :D

Dra: kamusta school?

Me: nakakastress dra.

Dra: stress??? Pre-dent ka pa lang???

Me: hahahahaha (whaaat?)

Then i graduated frm pre dent and entered dent proper. Boom, i finally got what my ortho meant. Haha!

******

So baby dont kill, dont kill the magic.

******

Ps, next week pa ako makakauwi 😓😌😓😢😢😢😭😭😭

******

Im missing my friebd's bday :( im super missing out on a lot of birthdays :(

******

Im now known as bitch heiress cuz i made kuya copra guy,make copra even if its raining. I didnt know my mom would ask him to work in the farm even if its raining hard. Argh. Im the bad person here.

(i want to finish the copra asap kasi i want to go home na, so im the bad person here)

******

Omg, its been 7 months since the last time i had.....

Goddammit im so dry :)))

I feel like its one of the reasons why ive gained so much weight and hirap ako mag lose. I guess its because i have zero dose of it in my life hahaha. Ever since i lost my v card its so easy to lose weight na kaya.

Ewan ko ah.baka feeling ko lang. But srsly i never weighed over 53 kgs when i was active. Pero ever since walana, daaaamn ang taba ko na. How many cal do i lose ba everytime i do it? Plus, may feeling of satisfaction ba na you feel like youre not hungry or something. Ewan ko. Wah. I need to conduct a study about this.lol.

**********

At home at manila with my papa, im allowed to go anywhere, anytime, he would give me money pa nga sometimes.

Im also allowed to not go out of my room,to starve myself, to eat anytime i want. In short in manila, its #freedom.

Here in Masbate with my mom, im not allowed to do anything unless my mom told me to. Im like a robot here, id only do stuff my mom tells me to. I have to eat this, not eat this, exercise, wake up early, sleep early, go here and there with her. Etc etc.as in sobrang culture shock. In manila, its fine with me to just stay at home the whole month and not go out of my room and eat only when i feel like eating. Id be okay with that. But here... God, help me, please. Okay sana if i can go out and explore the town eh. But no :( everybody here is busy. Ive no new friends to go with. Srsly, may scarsity ng girls dito. Or baka yung mga ka-age ko, all of them are working na. Unlike me, bumming around,bakasyon mode.

Btw, i haven't gone to the white beach near our place,its been raining like crazy here. Maybe next summer. Hahaha.

I told mom, id be the one to collect the rent na lang from those people renting  from us tapos sakin na lang yung money, pumayag sya. As if naman, kilala ko kung sinu sino mga nagrerent hahaha.

Baka kasi pag sakin, mahiya sila. Grabe kasi sobrang cheap na nga lang ng fee nila eh. Abuso much.

Day 16

Lowbatt eh soooo tom na lang.

Pipikon na ko kay mama.

Day 17

Do you want to be a princess with no social life or a normal person with social life and freedom?

Choose.

Dont talk to her. Continue silent tx.

Day 19

I wasnt able to update this entry yesterdaybecauseeee we were busy.

I dont really know if were related to the Lim's. Pero hindi ata. Pero theyve been treating me really well ever since i got here. The Lim kids went to manila din naman 3 years ago and they stayed at our place too -- nope im not staying at their place.

So yesterday it was tin's birthday (the youngest of the Lim siblings) and we went to the famous white beach resort here (dude, its legit boracay sand quality, eh kabilang isla lang boracay so im not surprised.) anyway, it was really nice there i had so much fun. They promised to bring me there kasi. Tapos every time na i go to their place they make me eat a lot.

So yay! There's signal yesterday there!!!

When I checked my fb and instagram, ive reminded myself why i went here.

Grabe, im not yet in manila. Internet lang yun ah tpos na feel ko agad yung toxic. Is it really that bad. If only I can sleep peacefully here i would stay longer. But I cant :(

Every night, someone's roaming around our house. Umaakyat sa bakod ng bahay yung person and its just me and my mom. So sobrang scary. As if my mom would protect me, sympre i have to protect her, she's 60, im 24. I need to be healthy because the time someone was trying to get in our door, i almost collapsed.

[edit] idk why, mom's nice to everyone naman. Nagpapautang naman sya sa lahat ng gusto magborrow ng money. And to everyone who asks for food if we have. Bakit may mga taong ganun huhu.

Ps, my only pair of sanuk got stolen :( it has always been my travelling shoes, i always bring it to places na malayo :(((

Fyi, ever since ive graduated. I barely ask money from my parents na, except if wala na talaga akong money,tapos random people here. Kahit di kilala ni mama binibigyan nya. Borrow daw pero TY na kasi di naman na maalala ni mama mga naghihiram. Try ko nga din manghingi lagi hehehe.[/edit]

[Edit 1.2] ew, the guys from yesterday's event are here, asking mom if they can get mangoes from our trees(we have lots of mango trees in our backyard here and mom's friends goes here a lot and make sungkit of mangoes) just because theyre friends with my cousin. Ick. So gross. Ew. Kala nila theyll see me? No ways. Dito lang ako sa loob ng bahay.[edit 1.2/]

[edit 1.3] ew, theyre here nakatambay sa garage. :(((( [/edit1.3]

[edit 1.4] i soooo miss chow-pow-der 😪😭

Day 20

Cant sleep properly last night because i am scared someone might try to break in our house again :(

My cousin patrols around the house every night since yesterday. Kasi nga may hooligans lol.

Soo ayun i slept late, tapos i woke up early kasi may pinapaayos si mama again dito sa bahay.

[edit] first day of period 7.14.15 [/edit]

Dream last night:

My ex boss was asking me to work for him again because all of his dentists left.

Im torned bet studying for boards and working for him again and just take the boards next year.

I asked my mom and she said i should work first. I told her i have to study for my boards, i need to pass this time and then she said

"how are you gonna pass? Wala kang drive. Wala kang direksyon. Di mo alam ang gusto mo."

When I woke up, im like shit. Is that God talking to me answering all my questions and fueling me up so that i would push myself even more. Ewan pero seryoso, sino yun? Subconscious mind ko lang ba yun?

Day 21

21/21 no yosi.

So will I still smoke when I get back to the city? Idk. Haha. Siguro?

I dont even know how I lasted without even craving for it. Well, i did crave for it but you know me. I dont like hassle. Id rather not do it na lang. This is a small town. Everyone knows that im a third generation zurbito who grew up in the metro. So may makakita sakin na nagyoyosi, obviously, malalaman agad ni mama. Anywho. Idk. Lets see.ako naman I only smoke if I have the chance and paramaka poop pero if di talaga pwede i wont smoke. Di naman ako kating kati mag yosi all the time.

Anywayyy today's wed. Idk if im leaving sat or fri pero kila autie aying pa ako mag stay on my last day, i guess its either sat or sun kami mag travel then ill be back in manila sun or monday :)

I think the 21-day theory is true. If nasanay ka na gawin yung isang bagay for 21 days,tuloy tuloy na. Kasi parang ngayon pa lang ako fully adjusted sa buhay dito. (i cant say i had no internet and signal for 21 days kasi last sunday, i had pero hindi na ako yung babad, hopefully pagbalik din ng manila.)

Ooops we might drop by naga pala soooo. Idk. Oo gusto ko pala magsimba sa peña francia. 👍

Its not like i dont wanna leave sana lang I had a friend who can bring me around the town, adventure type ganun. Boring kasi magisa lang ako wala ako magawa and wala ako makasama mag adventure and roam around. Maybe next time :)

[edit] im back. The Classic Hannah :) yay! Yung everything in moderation lang 👍👍👍[/edit]-- im not really sure tho, but at least I know now my priorities and im over the YOLO phase. :) i know what to do with my life na. Ive just learned that, yes, i may have taken quite a wrong direction for some time but im definitely back on the track. Im so done with that phase. :) seryoso na ko sa buhay. :)

Day 22

Its my day and last night here in san antonio, why am I feeling emo. Lol. Haha!

Tom. Night ill sleep at my lolo's (my grandpa's cousin) then saturday morning were off to Naga, i think. I really wanna go to peñafrancia.

Day 23

Off to manila.

Left masbate home around 730am,woke up around 530am

QHassleness, rode tito topher's truck with our copra pa kasi and its not air-conditioned so grabe lahat ng pollution, absorbed by my face, my right arm got burned na naman. Hassleness at its best tooo lol.

hey, what's up hello!

im baaaaaack. ive been busy, i went on a vacation/soul searching/ escape from reality. :D

will update soon, because im studying right now. sooo see yeah soon.
im thinking of vlogging but naaaah