I. Am. Lost.

I havent been vocal about my feelings lately.
Alam mo ung parang I have so much on my plate right now.
I am stressed, lost and confused..

Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay right now. Like yeah my goal 2 years ago (almost 3 yrs ago)was to pass my licensure exam, become a legit dentist, get a legit training in orthodontics, cosmetic dentistry, go visit my sister and twin nephews in romania.. and now that ive accomplished everything na, i feel lost. Like andito ako sa phase na “okay, what’s next? Ano na?”

Of course a normal dentist friend would tell me or anyone lang siguro would tell me to go set up my own clinic. Yeah, sounds right. Yun na nga talaga ung next step ng every dentist na kilala ko. Who 1has almost 3 years of experience... but then again, i continuously ask myself, yun ba ang gusto ko.
Is that really what i want? Is this really what i want? People would tell me i guess na nagiinarte ako at this point. I mean come on, i even had an award when i graduated from my ortho preceptorship mukha bang di ko gusto tong ginagawa ko when i strived hard to be here and etc? But what if i tell you na im just naturally competitive in all aspects of life kaya nangyari yun.sorry kung napaka incoherent ng pinaglalagay ko dito kasi ganun kasabog thoughts ko ngayon. Ganito kalala nararamdaman ko ngayon. Im so lost.

To be honest. Nakakadagdag pa ung fact na may boyfriend ako. I think for me may added pressure. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero i feel that way. Minsan gusto ko makipagbreak at sabihin na i need to find myself. Hahaha ang cliché no. Parang un ung typical na sinasabi ng mga nagloloko sa relasyon and ako i used to not believe that bullshit until now na i feel i need time for myself to figure things out. But the thing is i dont want him out of my life. I still want him to be there. But right now i just want to figure things out on my own and i just dont know how to find my way around this. Nasasakal ako sa mga bagay bagay na nangyayari sa paligid ko. I want everything to just stop. Alam mo ung parang all your life toure trying hard to be this person tas nung narating mo na you dont know whats next. Parang ano pang purpose ko after this, and the worst part is nakuha mo nga hindi naman talaga eto gusto mo. Bukod pa dun hindi mo din alam kung ano gusto mo..

My 2018...so far.

i know i havent written anything with sense in this blog for a long time.
so let me start with how ive been doing for the past few months, what has happened ever since this year started.

i'm not gonna lie, i may or may not cry while typing. haha

first few months of 2018 tbh has been quite nice.

In january my relatives from US whom i havent seen for 10 years or so visited us here in manila.
it was 2 weeks of fun and catching up. i barely rested that time after work i hangout with them, stayed up late then go to work early and the cycle goes on. what happened was when they left, i got sick. prolly because i was overusing (sorry sa term) my body lo.

Another highlight was in March, which is my birth month and my graduation in my Orthodontics preceptorship. I was lucky enough to have an award in my preceptorship. I mean i was not expecting at all. during the first few months of my preceptorship, yes i admit i strived hard to get a reward but you know, i got a little lazy in the midst of the training preceptorship HAHAHA (classic Hannah) but hey, i still bagged an award (clinical excellence, yey me!)

So ayun nga, i started the year right i thought okay na, tuluy tuloy na.
but no. you know in physiology there's this thing calle Homeostasis whichi sort of means that everything should be in a state of equilibrium, balance. like, if may sumobra, its not good. you get me naman diba.

ayun nga. Around May, we had our company team building in bohol, i was excited of course its the first time i'm gonna be there. it was fun naman. but towards the second week of May, we had a call at around 4am in the morning... tita babeth called us.. saying na, our tita cherrie got stabbed in las pinas. my God, we were all from north (qc) and she's far south. so i panicked. woke up my dad and brother. apparently, papa got a call from his brother also, saying na our tita is dead na. im was confused. i dont want to believe that she died already. im trying to keep a little hope sa sarili ko na maybe fake news lang or this is some kind of a joke or prank...
nut no, it isnt.
yup, it was all over the media. news, internet etc. dean of med school stabbed to death.
i couldnt understand why such things would happen to me, to us, to her. nobody deserves to get stabbed to death. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. well we kind of moved on. shrugged it off. and continued with all our lives

Then came June, i went to work again, tried to recover, tried to act like everything is normal..
well hey, 3rd week of June I got sick. thought it was just a normal fever but the fever wouldnt go away. it just go worse and worse day by day. my mom decided na i should get a check up from a physician na cuz she doesnt think its normal na maybe i have dengue na. voila! meron nga.
i stayed in the hospital for more than a week. i thought i was dying no. ang sakit tlga sa pakiramdam ng dengue.
 sabi ko sa sarili ko, bakit ako minamalas ng ganito.
I asked God, please last na to.

July was okay, actually, good. I went to bangkok with my mom. My visa (romania) was approved and everything went well and smooth naman. THANK GOD.

August was a breeze. went to romania towards the end of the month. stayed there for a month, finally saw my twin nephews and definitely had the time of my life :)

September!! went back home to manila. i was in romania almost the whole of september so nothing really, pure bliss and burning some money lol.

OCTOBER!!! not a good month again, (back story, my father is a cheater, he has a problem. mental problem fuck!) so my dad, he has been good naman for the past few years, not mentioning his kagaguhan na he did 4 years ago, after that medyo ok naman sya.

but then we kind of caught him cheating.

pero ngayon, he went back to his kagaguhan. and i now that im older and more matured and ayoko na ng ginagago. i stepped up. i texted him. i just asked nicely, san ba sya lagi nagpupunta. and didnt respond to his defensive replies. i was at work when i texted him.
paguwi o he confronted me, he's very mayabang ung asta nya saken. kala nya papatalo ako NO! ako pa malakas ako mambara, kaya ko sagutin at ibalik sayo lahat ng sinasabi mo sakin. im smart im not stupid at lalong hindi ako magpapatalo. ang ending nag walkout sya.
tss. kala nya kaya nya ko. lol baliktad. binalik ko lang lahat sa kanya lahat ng defensive answers nya. and of course i was crying. i said i didnt deserve to get hurt like this because gago sya.
of course i didnt say na gago sya. but now, im trying to move on. para akong nakipagbreak sa jowa ko. nagmamano pa din ako sa kanya pero di ko na sya pinapansin. di ko sinasabayan kumain. he's the one who ruined his family and once na ayaw na sa kanya ng side chick nya. wala na ako amor sa kanya.


this has been a very long post. i just really needed an outlet.
always be positive and know theres a higher being out there.
ciao!

Romania!!!

i will be going on a trip to romania to visit my sister and nephews soooo i will be updating this blog with pictures of adventures in romania soon!!!


apparently, life made me really busy and i failed to update this journal of mine.
i wish to update this again with food reviews soon!!

cosmetic dentistry

I will be posting pictures of before and after of cosmetic restoration procedures i did in the clinic. Watch out!

Inlab na inlab

Omg, masyado akong in love. Ang scary 😭
Im still not used to this kasi ewan ko ba, pag nagmahal ako
Di naman pwedeng di ibigay yung best mo diba. Hindi with reservations
Siguro for the past few months, yup, with reservations. Pero ngayon wala eh bumigay.

Tapos i dont even have someone na masasabihan ko nito. Hay hirap bes

Kinain ng sistema

grabe tagal ko na naman di nakapagupdate ng blog.
anyway, kung nababasa nyo yung previous rants ko and blogs before, ayaw ko talaga magkaboyfriend. like super kuntento na ako sa pagiging single.
hahahaha.
pero ever since na nagmahal ulit ako (naks, nagmahal, nakalimutan ko na nga kung paano magmahal eh tbh ) eh parang in love na in love na naman ako masyado.

ayan eto na naman tayo eh, kinain ng sistema ng pagibig. dati ang bitter ko lang "walang forever
", "magbebreak din kayo", "lolokohin ka din nyan", "magsasawa din yan sayo" mga ganyan naiisip ko
pero ngayon, naniwala na naman ako na may taong magmamahal sakin (saten) na hindi tayo sasaktan (ayokong isipin na in the end magkakasakitan lang din, part kasi yun ng proseso ng pagibig <naks ako ba to??>)


sabi sayo eh masyado na akong inlab ngayon.
dati ayoko talaga, kasi ayoko masaktan. natatakot ako masaktan.
alam ko kasi na kapag nagmahal ka, kapg binuksan mo yung puso, isipan at damdamin mo sa isang tao, alam ko na, kasama na dun yung pagtanggap mo ng mga posibilidad ng sakit at heartaches.
dati hindi ako ready, hindi talaga ako ready, parang di ako magiging ready.
pero dadating pala yung tao na makakalimutan mo lahat ng sakit at mga nanakit sa damdamin mo.
na parang lahat ng pinagdaanan mong heartaches hindi nangyari. at yung mga taong nangiwan at nanakit sa damdamin mo, hindi nagexist.
I know ang cheesy and I know na kung masasaktan ulit ako sa bandang huli kakainin ko lahat ng sinabi ko.
pero ano ba magagawa ko, inlab ako ngayon eh.
at dahil in love nga ako kasama kong tinanggap ung mga sakit na kaakibat ng pagmamahal.  

I'm not me lately.

I am not this person.

I couldnt believe that it will only take 3 months for a person to completely change me.

I used to be in control of everything.
ngayon, halos lahat ng gagawin ko dumedepende dun sa isa.

it shouldnt be like this.
hay nakakastress.

:(

Do I miss being Single?

Yes, Maybe, I don't know.

As much as I would like to say na i am so happy with the relationship that I am in, i wouldnt deny the fact na i miss being single.

Yup, being in a relationship has its perks and all pero diba if youre like me na antagal naging single and sobrang sanay na being on my own, nakakamiss din talaga maging single.

There are stuff kasi na I would rather keep to myself tapos may mga times na gusto ko din mapagisa. like most of the time naman gusto ko lang magisa.

ayun. ano pa ba. basta ayun lang.

ang hirap kasi kapag nasa relationship ka lagi mo iisipin ung other party like kung may gagawin ka or lalabas ka or yung free time mo, you'd spend this way or that way, you consider the other party's feelings. wihich is a hassle, sometimes.

ewan ko ang clingy nya kasi and sometimes pag biglang hindi ewan ang inconsistent. blah


dont read my rants, i'm annoying.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I did not realize that my last blog entry was the first time i met up with my boyfriend (yup, we're together na).

See, Ive been caught up with so much stuff i srsly did not have the time to update this blog.

so yeah, it's 2017 na. a lot has definitely happened last year.
super thankful ako for everything.
konting stress lang pero medyo smooth year naman.
hopefully, it would also be the same this year.
help me God.
hopeful and wishful that everything would be fine this year :)

yey!

Moon Leaf, we meet again.

God, I am so glad na iba na ung staff sa moonleaf maginhawa :))

girl this is the fourth time (i think) na I went there with a guy for a mimil (milk tea, milk tea lang) sesh :))

oh no wait, technically third pala kasi yung first guy na i want there with was my ex so date yun and we were together so not counted. haha the other 2 and si kuya kanina mimil lang. haha hindi date eh.
getting to know sesh? hangout? chill?
whatever :))

dont laugh at me. I havent been out with anyone for almost 2 years na. so dont judge if im being skeptical and weird and all about what happened this afternoon.

like ko sya. not like as in like? I mean as a person, he's nice, kind and gentleman naman kahit papano.
pero kasi hindi sya ma-chat and/or text na person.
he's different.
he's not like any other guy na nakilala ko before.
papresko and stuff.
iba sya.

I'm cool namin if he's not interested and all. madami namang guys na nagkakagusto sakin (paki sampal nga ako at pakiuntog ung ulo ko sa pader ng matauhan ako sa pinagsasabi ko ) hahaha

I mean you know me. I've priorities.
Work, grad school, family ang dami kong responsibilities.
distracted lang ako ngayon.



PS,
see? kaya ayoko ng nadidistract ako eh. I get off my track. hindi ko natapos ung mga dapat kong tapusin today.
hindi ako nakapag workout.
:(
sad life. but life must go on.

Rest Day!!!

first half of my rest day is done.

washed clothes
cleaned and rearraned room.
had ideas for my upcoming room renovation (ugh gastos)

next half ill be working out
then ill head out to have my passport renewed.:)

tapos i might do errands na din and go tambay somewhere to study and chill.

i need alone time so baaaad :D

until then. bye


PS, i know none of you are interested in my itinerary today but whatever, this is my blog :P

R E S P E C T

Is it okay to call me by my first name?
...if you're my patient?

I'm not being sensitive, no.
in fact, kahit tawagin pa ako ng "te", "ate" at "miss" ng pasyente hindi naman ako nagrereact.
kasi hindi naman talaga lahat alam kung paano i address ang dentista.

kahit naman ako di ko alam na "doc" or "dra" dapat tawag sa kanila, narinig ko lang sa magulang ko at kuya/ate kaya ginaya ko lang.


pero parang ang rude kasi kung tatawagin mo lang ako ng

"niks, pakitanggal naman ung dumi dito sa part na to."
"niksi, magagawan mo ba ng paraan na wag ako magkatinga dito?"

okay lang naman, kaya lang di naman tayo close.
for me youre being disrespectful.
pasyente kita, i do my best para maayos ang ngipin mo. pero dude, respeto naman.

ewan baka sensitive lang ako.

kung ikaw ba doctor, magiinarte ka ba like me?


PS
hindi ako naginarte sa pasyente. di ko lang pinansin. tuloy lang ako sa treatment.
hay oh well. masasanay din ako.

sorry kung OA reaksyon.

My patient followed me????

hahaha. nope hindi sya stalker.

kasi diba, nagpatransfer ako sa ibang branch. tapos sympre sa previous branch ko i have patients na "by request" na ako lang maghahandle sa kanila at wala nang ibang dentist.

ayun ung isa kong pasyente lumipat din sa kung saang branch na ako kasi nga dun na ako nagduduty.
nakakatuwa, nakakaflatter pero sympre lowkey lang tayo hehe.

Choose-day

Wala trip ko lang yan title ng blog today. Haha.
Wala pang pasyente today. Sana naman di bigla magdatingan this afternoon.
Yesterday, my patient gave us a dozen of j.co doughnuts! Yaaay! Nakakataba ng puso.
😂😍

Choose-day

Wala trip ko lang yan title ng blog today. Haha.
Wala pang pasyente today. Sana naman di bigla magdatingan this afternoon.
Yesterday, my patient gave us a dozen of j.co doughnuts! Yaaay! Nakakataba ng puso.
😂😍

Choose-day

Wala trip ko lang yan title ng blog today. Haha.
Wala pang pasyente today. Sana naman di bigla magdatingan this afternoon.
Yesterday, my patient gave us a dozen of j.co doughnuts! Yaaay! Nakakataba ng puso.
😂😍

Random thougts

82216
Random thoughts:

I wanted to, to lie down next to someone.
So bad.
I wanted to feel the air he exhales against my cheeks. As if it would crawl from my face to my lower extremities. Consuming my mind, consuming my body.
I wanted the two of us, to fade with the night. darkness would envelope both us.
I want us to fade into nothingness.
So peaceful, we won't exist.

I wanted to. To just be with you.

But who are you?

Where are you?

I popped my own bubble.
I saved myself from drowning in the sheets.

Nope, there's no one to crave for.

Rie's frat party + black market

So, the other night I crashed my friend's party.
Law school frat party sya so almost lahat eh either law students or member nung frat or legit attorney na. So bagong mukha ako, epal, fish out of water ganun. Well, i really did not mind though kasi i was there to have fun. Mag feeling bata 😂The night is young and so are we ang peg hahaha.

Anyway there's this guy who is kind of (i think) flirting with me. Hindi ko na sana bibigyan ng malice but then AJ (my other law school friend) made it obvious.

So ayun nga this guy tumabi sakin tapos he was asking me abt dental stuff and shit (dati ako mapapagdiscuss mo pa ako about promoting dental health and you could ask me about your concerns, semi consultation ganun pero ngayon ayoko na magsabi ng wala ka sa dental chair at di ko nakikita, hindi na ako nagffree consultation. Charot. I somehow find it unprofessional lang. baka ako lang yun)

So may sinabi ako sa kanya and this is how it went (ung natatandaan ko lang)

Guy: blah blah blah
Aj: ahhh talaga
Guy: oo sinabi nya sakin eh.
Aj: sinabi nya sayo?
Guy: oo kanina over dinner, sa bahay kanina.
Me: *laughs* (na medyo na awkward na
Aj: dinner? Are you asking her out for dinner?
     Niksi oh he's asking you out for dinner daw
Me *more laugh*
Guy: shhh. Youre ruining my game (nakalimutan ko na pero something like that

Then he resumed talking to me.

He asked me to go outside to snoke, sinama ko ung other friend pa na magyosi din (no, hindi mo ako makakausap ng solo)

So ayun. After nun di na sya makalapit kasi i left them nag Cr ako then pumasok na ako sa loob ng venue.

Whew my flirting game is so not on fleek. Tbh medyo natakot ako. Natakot ako to put myself out there and at the same time ayoko kasi ng parang feeling ko dahil dentista ako yun lang talaga yun eh. Hindi dahil he knows me as a person. Mahirap kasi talaga timplahin personality ko. Aminado naman ako. And that someone na willing to spend time to really get into my inner layer edi worth it sya pagbigyan. Lately kasi fast track na lahat.

Anyway, going back we went to black market after to have more fun and appreciate how good the dj played sa BM. Kasi sobrang walang kwneta ung dj sa previous event sna nagspotify na lang 😂😂😂


PLOT TWIST
He was tagged sa group picture namin with friends, i checked out his profile and found out he has a kid and a wife. Oh my God.

*brithey's womanizer plays* kaloka. Guyssxxz these days 🐽😒😴 kainis

Hey, hey, hey!:)))

haven't updated this blog in like foreeeeveeeer.

ive been really busy with work and my social life. yay! may social life na ako. haha

but then, sobrang napagod ako. haha.
oonga pala, pumapasok na ako ulit. ortho post grad training sooo. ayun aral aral na naman.

anyway, so i tried to balance my social life, studies and work. ayun. namatay ako.
not literally died, but sobrang na drain ko sarili ko.
because i wanted to give time sa social life ko and meet my old friends, nawalan naman ako ng time for myself. which is why. this week. idk. haha. plus sympre ang gastos. july has been a very busy month for me. ive a birthday party to attend pa sa 31st and im not sure anymore if i could still go because. work. studies. and myself.

sobrang busy ko wala na akong time maligo at mag toothbrush.
hahaha. pero sympre joke lang yon.
basta wala na akong time na magmuni muni at magisip isip eh ako pa naman ung klase ng tao na kelangan ng ganung klaseng intimate time for myself. na ako lang magisa.

siguro nga kung marunong ako magmaneho ng sasakyan magsasayang ako ng gasolina and i'll drive around kahit wala naman akong pupuntahan. haha. alam mo yon.

anyway, wala akong mailagay na magandang content pa dito siguro life updates lang.

and oh, i'm still single. di talaga kaya. i can't find someone na worth it na hatian pa ng time ko. siguro next time na lang next year o kaya next, next year. ewan. bahala na. not looking and not rushing.
kbye!

edi ikaw na!

as much as possible i don't like to post negativity in this blog. but my convo with this person who thinks he is so much better than everyone else met my wrath.

i mean seriously ang liit ng tingin nya sakin when i told this person na goal ko this year magka abs.
sabi nya "GOAL NA YUN?"

dude, have you  heard of short term goals and long term goals? if you haven't GOOGLE MO G*GO.

sobrang inis na kasi ako dun sa taong yun, feel nya galing nya. ayaw nga tumanggap ng criticism kahit mali sya eh.
psh.

fyi, i have bigger goals but i'd rather keep it to myself kesa ipagyabang tulad mo. feeling mataas eh kahit hindi.