I. Am. Lost.

I havent been vocal about my feelings lately.
Alam mo ung parang I have so much on my plate right now.
I am stressed, lost and confused..

Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sa buhay right now. Like yeah my goal 2 years ago (almost 3 yrs ago)was to pass my licensure exam, become a legit dentist, get a legit training in orthodontics, cosmetic dentistry, go visit my sister and twin nephews in romania.. and now that ive accomplished everything na, i feel lost. Like andito ako sa phase na “okay, what’s next? Ano na?”

Of course a normal dentist friend would tell me or anyone lang siguro would tell me to go set up my own clinic. Yeah, sounds right. Yun na nga talaga ung next step ng every dentist na kilala ko. Who 1has almost 3 years of experience... but then again, i continuously ask myself, yun ba ang gusto ko.
Is that really what i want? Is this really what i want? People would tell me i guess na nagiinarte ako at this point. I mean come on, i even had an award when i graduated from my ortho preceptorship mukha bang di ko gusto tong ginagawa ko when i strived hard to be here and etc? But what if i tell you na im just naturally competitive in all aspects of life kaya nangyari yun.sorry kung napaka incoherent ng pinaglalagay ko dito kasi ganun kasabog thoughts ko ngayon. Ganito kalala nararamdaman ko ngayon. Im so lost.

To be honest. Nakakadagdag pa ung fact na may boyfriend ako. I think for me may added pressure. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero i feel that way. Minsan gusto ko makipagbreak at sabihin na i need to find myself. Hahaha ang cliché no. Parang un ung typical na sinasabi ng mga nagloloko sa relasyon and ako i used to not believe that bullshit until now na i feel i need time for myself to figure things out. But the thing is i dont want him out of my life. I still want him to be there. But right now i just want to figure things out on my own and i just dont know how to find my way around this. Nasasakal ako sa mga bagay bagay na nangyayari sa paligid ko. I want everything to just stop. Alam mo ung parang all your life toure trying hard to be this person tas nung narating mo na you dont know whats next. Parang ano pang purpose ko after this, and the worst part is nakuha mo nga hindi naman talaga eto gusto mo. Bukod pa dun hindi mo din alam kung ano gusto mo..

My 2018...so far.

i know i havent written anything with sense in this blog for a long time.
so let me start with how ive been doing for the past few months, what has happened ever since this year started.

i'm not gonna lie, i may or may not cry while typing. haha

first few months of 2018 tbh has been quite nice.

In january my relatives from US whom i havent seen for 10 years or so visited us here in manila.
it was 2 weeks of fun and catching up. i barely rested that time after work i hangout with them, stayed up late then go to work early and the cycle goes on. what happened was when they left, i got sick. prolly because i was overusing (sorry sa term) my body lo.

Another highlight was in March, which is my birth month and my graduation in my Orthodontics preceptorship. I was lucky enough to have an award in my preceptorship. I mean i was not expecting at all. during the first few months of my preceptorship, yes i admit i strived hard to get a reward but you know, i got a little lazy in the midst of the training preceptorship HAHAHA (classic Hannah) but hey, i still bagged an award (clinical excellence, yey me!)

So ayun nga, i started the year right i thought okay na, tuluy tuloy na.
but no. you know in physiology there's this thing calle Homeostasis whichi sort of means that everything should be in a state of equilibrium, balance. like, if may sumobra, its not good. you get me naman diba.

ayun nga. Around May, we had our company team building in bohol, i was excited of course its the first time i'm gonna be there. it was fun naman. but towards the second week of May, we had a call at around 4am in the morning... tita babeth called us.. saying na, our tita cherrie got stabbed in las pinas. my God, we were all from north (qc) and she's far south. so i panicked. woke up my dad and brother. apparently, papa got a call from his brother also, saying na our tita is dead na. im was confused. i dont want to believe that she died already. im trying to keep a little hope sa sarili ko na maybe fake news lang or this is some kind of a joke or prank...
nut no, it isnt.
yup, it was all over the media. news, internet etc. dean of med school stabbed to death.
i couldnt understand why such things would happen to me, to us, to her. nobody deserves to get stabbed to death. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. well we kind of moved on. shrugged it off. and continued with all our lives

Then came June, i went to work again, tried to recover, tried to act like everything is normal..
well hey, 3rd week of June I got sick. thought it was just a normal fever but the fever wouldnt go away. it just go worse and worse day by day. my mom decided na i should get a check up from a physician na cuz she doesnt think its normal na maybe i have dengue na. voila! meron nga.
i stayed in the hospital for more than a week. i thought i was dying no. ang sakit tlga sa pakiramdam ng dengue.
 sabi ko sa sarili ko, bakit ako minamalas ng ganito.
I asked God, please last na to.

July was okay, actually, good. I went to bangkok with my mom. My visa (romania) was approved and everything went well and smooth naman. THANK GOD.

August was a breeze. went to romania towards the end of the month. stayed there for a month, finally saw my twin nephews and definitely had the time of my life :)

September!! went back home to manila. i was in romania almost the whole of september so nothing really, pure bliss and burning some money lol.

OCTOBER!!! not a good month again, (back story, my father is a cheater, he has a problem. mental problem fuck!) so my dad, he has been good naman for the past few years, not mentioning his kagaguhan na he did 4 years ago, after that medyo ok naman sya.

but then we kind of caught him cheating.

pero ngayon, he went back to his kagaguhan. and i now that im older and more matured and ayoko na ng ginagago. i stepped up. i texted him. i just asked nicely, san ba sya lagi nagpupunta. and didnt respond to his defensive replies. i was at work when i texted him.
paguwi o he confronted me, he's very mayabang ung asta nya saken. kala nya papatalo ako NO! ako pa malakas ako mambara, kaya ko sagutin at ibalik sayo lahat ng sinasabi mo sakin. im smart im not stupid at lalong hindi ako magpapatalo. ang ending nag walkout sya.
tss. kala nya kaya nya ko. lol baliktad. binalik ko lang lahat sa kanya lahat ng defensive answers nya. and of course i was crying. i said i didnt deserve to get hurt like this because gago sya.
of course i didnt say na gago sya. but now, im trying to move on. para akong nakipagbreak sa jowa ko. nagmamano pa din ako sa kanya pero di ko na sya pinapansin. di ko sinasabayan kumain. he's the one who ruined his family and once na ayaw na sa kanya ng side chick nya. wala na ako amor sa kanya.


this has been a very long post. i just really needed an outlet.
always be positive and know theres a higher being out there.
ciao!

Romania!!!

i will be going on a trip to romania to visit my sister and nephews soooo i will be updating this blog with pictures of adventures in romania soon!!!


apparently, life made me really busy and i failed to update this journal of mine.
i wish to update this again with food reviews soon!!

cosmetic dentistry

I will be posting pictures of before and after of cosmetic restoration procedures i did in the clinic. Watch out!

Inlab na inlab

Omg, masyado akong in love. Ang scary 😭
Im still not used to this kasi ewan ko ba, pag nagmahal ako
Di naman pwedeng di ibigay yung best mo diba. Hindi with reservations
Siguro for the past few months, yup, with reservations. Pero ngayon wala eh bumigay.

Tapos i dont even have someone na masasabihan ko nito. Hay hirap bes

Kinain ng sistema

grabe tagal ko na naman di nakapagupdate ng blog.
anyway, kung nababasa nyo yung previous rants ko and blogs before, ayaw ko talaga magkaboyfriend. like super kuntento na ako sa pagiging single.
hahahaha.
pero ever since na nagmahal ulit ako (naks, nagmahal, nakalimutan ko na nga kung paano magmahal eh tbh ) eh parang in love na in love na naman ako masyado.

ayan eto na naman tayo eh, kinain ng sistema ng pagibig. dati ang bitter ko lang "walang forever
", "magbebreak din kayo", "lolokohin ka din nyan", "magsasawa din yan sayo" mga ganyan naiisip ko
pero ngayon, naniwala na naman ako na may taong magmamahal sakin (saten) na hindi tayo sasaktan (ayokong isipin na in the end magkakasakitan lang din, part kasi yun ng proseso ng pagibig <naks ako ba to??>)


sabi sayo eh masyado na akong inlab ngayon.
dati ayoko talaga, kasi ayoko masaktan. natatakot ako masaktan.
alam ko kasi na kapag nagmahal ka, kapg binuksan mo yung puso, isipan at damdamin mo sa isang tao, alam ko na, kasama na dun yung pagtanggap mo ng mga posibilidad ng sakit at heartaches.
dati hindi ako ready, hindi talaga ako ready, parang di ako magiging ready.
pero dadating pala yung tao na makakalimutan mo lahat ng sakit at mga nanakit sa damdamin mo.
na parang lahat ng pinagdaanan mong heartaches hindi nangyari. at yung mga taong nangiwan at nanakit sa damdamin mo, hindi nagexist.
I know ang cheesy and I know na kung masasaktan ulit ako sa bandang huli kakainin ko lahat ng sinabi ko.
pero ano ba magagawa ko, inlab ako ngayon eh.
at dahil in love nga ako kasama kong tinanggap ung mga sakit na kaakibat ng pagmamahal.  

I'm not me lately.

I am not this person.

I couldnt believe that it will only take 3 months for a person to completely change me.

I used to be in control of everything.
ngayon, halos lahat ng gagawin ko dumedepende dun sa isa.

it shouldnt be like this.
hay nakakastress.

:(

Do I miss being Single?

Yes, Maybe, I don't know.

As much as I would like to say na i am so happy with the relationship that I am in, i wouldnt deny the fact na i miss being single.

Yup, being in a relationship has its perks and all pero diba if youre like me na antagal naging single and sobrang sanay na being on my own, nakakamiss din talaga maging single.

There are stuff kasi na I would rather keep to myself tapos may mga times na gusto ko din mapagisa. like most of the time naman gusto ko lang magisa.

ayun. ano pa ba. basta ayun lang.

ang hirap kasi kapag nasa relationship ka lagi mo iisipin ung other party like kung may gagawin ka or lalabas ka or yung free time mo, you'd spend this way or that way, you consider the other party's feelings. wihich is a hassle, sometimes.

ewan ko ang clingy nya kasi and sometimes pag biglang hindi ewan ang inconsistent. blah


dont read my rants, i'm annoying.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I did not realize that my last blog entry was the first time i met up with my boyfriend (yup, we're together na).

See, Ive been caught up with so much stuff i srsly did not have the time to update this blog.

so yeah, it's 2017 na. a lot has definitely happened last year.
super thankful ako for everything.
konting stress lang pero medyo smooth year naman.
hopefully, it would also be the same this year.
help me God.
hopeful and wishful that everything would be fine this year :)

yey!

Moon Leaf, we meet again.

God, I am so glad na iba na ung staff sa moonleaf maginhawa :))

girl this is the fourth time (i think) na I went there with a guy for a mimil (milk tea, milk tea lang) sesh :))

oh no wait, technically third pala kasi yung first guy na i want there with was my ex so date yun and we were together so not counted. haha the other 2 and si kuya kanina mimil lang. haha hindi date eh.
getting to know sesh? hangout? chill?
whatever :))

dont laugh at me. I havent been out with anyone for almost 2 years na. so dont judge if im being skeptical and weird and all about what happened this afternoon.

like ko sya. not like as in like? I mean as a person, he's nice, kind and gentleman naman kahit papano.
pero kasi hindi sya ma-chat and/or text na person.
he's different.
he's not like any other guy na nakilala ko before.
papresko and stuff.
iba sya.

I'm cool namin if he's not interested and all. madami namang guys na nagkakagusto sakin (paki sampal nga ako at pakiuntog ung ulo ko sa pader ng matauhan ako sa pinagsasabi ko ) hahaha

I mean you know me. I've priorities.
Work, grad school, family ang dami kong responsibilities.
distracted lang ako ngayon.



PS,
see? kaya ayoko ng nadidistract ako eh. I get off my track. hindi ko natapos ung mga dapat kong tapusin today.
hindi ako nakapag workout.
:(
sad life. but life must go on.